The Ugly Chalkboard
“Fools mock
at making amends for sin, but goodwill is found among the upright. He who
conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces
them finds mercy.”
Over the
past few months I have been shocked to learn that I have been filled with
bitterness, anger, and an unforgiving spirit.
Say
what????? Me, the little church girl, who has never drank a drop of alcohol,
never smoked anything, was a virgin when I married in 1980, never cheated on my
husband of 32 years, and the list of nevers goes on. I was born and raised in church!
For most of
my life not a day has gone by that I haven’t prayed God please clean out my
heart. I have faithfully use the prayer guide written by my childhood pastor who baptized me, G.A. Mangun, “Praying
Through the Tabernacle to the Throne.”
In the past
months, I found myself getting stuck at the repentance portion of the
prayer. I literally couldn’t move
forward. I began to really relate to Psalm 51:3, King David’s lament. “For I am
conscious of my transgressions and I acknowledge them; my sin is ever before
me.”
It was if a
giant chalkboard was raised up in front of me, halting my prayers. On it were
many names. Beside each name were hash marks, representing wrongs against
me. I pleaded with God every day, please
help me to forgive! There were so many names and so many hash marks! And they
were accumulating daily because I hauled the chalkboard around with me all the
time! I even propped it up by my bed at night. Every time someone looked at me
funny or ignored me or made an offensive comment, I angrily grabbed the chalk,
searched and found their name, and recorded it
This went
on for months. I became exhausted and discouraged. Keeping the list current was hard
work!
I visited
with Pastor Thomas about this. He said, Vicki, you've got to erase all
that! I also poured everything out to
Pastor Grant. These conversations helped a little but not much.
One
Wednesday morning about a month ago, I awakened at 3 a.m. tossing and turning. I
got up around 4:15, grabbed the ugly chalkboard, hauled it down the stairs,
propped it up by the couch and sat down and tried to pray. I said for the
thousandth time Oh God please clean out my heart! Please help me to forgive all these people! I was losing hope. The list of the people and
their wrongs was just too long.
Finally
around 6:30 my heart began to melt. With tears flowing, I felt God’s
presence surround me. I walked upstairs and sat beside my husband, Scott as he prayed. I knew he had been fasting and praying for a number of days. He said Vicki, I’m very concerned about you. I’ve been praying for you. You have bitterness and
anger. You’ve got to get rid of it! It
will destroy you!
Something
happened that day that I couldn’t explain. I finally embraced the fact that
even though I couldn’t and may never be able to change my situation, I
had the Holy Ghost inside of me giving me the power to change myself. I
felt tears behind my eyes all day as I realized God had heard my prayers! He
was doing a cleansing work in me. I felt different; I felt new! I was able to
lay the chalkboard at the foot of the cross, and leave it there.
Now I can
sing this childhood hymn with deep soul stirring joy: Rolled Away! Rolled
Away! I am happy since my burdens rolled
away!
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